I know I'm getting past it when I cannot hear a knock
And I have quite a problem when I'm winding the clock.
My knees are stiff and my poor old back is sore
And I don't have to visit the dentist no more.
My body is weary and the old eyes are dim
And each day I develop a new aching limb
What with lotions and potions to combat the ills
I would not get very far without taking my pills.
My fingers seize up with a touch of the cramp
And I wrap myself up to keep out the damp.
When I look in the mirror it tells me no lies
All covered in wrinkles and bags under my eyes.
I'm not getting younger that's a definite cert
But I'm certainly with it and my brain is alert.
They say grow old gracefully in which case
Before I go out I need to iron my face.
I hitch up my belly and tuck it well in
My mirror tells me that I cannot win.
I've seized up with age, my got up and go didn't get
I think I would be a lot better if I went to see a vet.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord that I may keep
My senses to get me through each day
To help me keep the fools at bay.
Those who shout thinking I can't hear
It's only 'cos they don't speak so clear.
All those who think that I'm too old
For a conversation I cannot hold.
Just make sure Lord my PC works
I'll show all those stupid berks.
That I can read and write quite well
And they can all go straight to hell.
My eyesight is failing and I can't hear any more
My teeth are not mine and my mouth is quite sore.
When I take a full stretch I hear a loud crack
And if I push on a cleaner I get a bad back.
I can't grip a pen and I cannot straighten my knees
And my bronchial tubes have a terrible wheeze.
I've had frozen shoulders and I've broken my arm
And I soothe my sore chest with a rubbing balm.
My belly rumbles and I have headaches too
The doctor said there's not much he can do.
I stiffen when I'm sitting and get painful cramp
I try to keep warm and stay out of the damp.
I have heartburn, flatulence and a giddy spell.
But apart from all that I am perfectly well.
I marvel at all the aids that are on the market today
You can get pills and potions to help ailments go away,
And contraceptive pill to stop you from being a mum-to-be
And now there's a morning after one to stop a pregnancy.
You get pills for headaches or to help the waterworks
And for asthma, arthritis and to stop any muscle jerks.
There are pills for this complaint and potions for that
Some can make you thin and some do make you fat.
What with transplants, pacemakers and replacing a hip
Plastic surgery to straighten noses and to do a tuck and nip,
There are pills for the menopause, which are called H.R.T.
I had to grin and bear it there was nothing there for me.
Now they have a new one to help men's sexual drives
I would hate to be one of their long suffering wives,
What with cloning new limbs and freezing a man's sperm
Some of the things that are done today really make me squirm.
At the rate we are going when it's time for our last kip
We will either be recycled or finish up down the tip.