Did I tell you of the time I joined an aerobics team?
We were all well over sixty and trying to let off steam
We started with gentle movements until our stiffness had gone
But the exercises got more vigorous as the time went on
"Now swing your arms in a circle, three times for each side,
Come on ladies give it some oomph make the circles wide
Straighten up your backs, swing arms, reach up to the ceiling."
By this time my body revoked, it had lost all ruddy feeling.
"Now lift your leg and swing it out, that's it ladies use your hip"
It was at this untimely moment I slipped and fell bum over tip,
Everyone stopped exercising "Are you O.K." they wanted to know
Yes I was, apart from my rump being sore so let us give it another go.
"O.K. ladies now you will try an exercise lying flat on your back
Relax your body clear your mind just let everything go slack."
There were oohs and ohs and ahs as we got down on the floor
Every bone I had by this time was feeling bruised and sore.
"Lift your left leg up as high as you can now hold on to it,
If you practice this at home daily you will all be well and fit"
I don't know who she was kidding, I could not get my breath
At the rate I was going I was feeling much nearer to death.
By home time I had gained aching limbs and a very sore duff
I don't think I will bother again, I think I have had enough.
But back I went the week after for my torture once again
I must be a blooming masochist to look forward to the pain.
My grandma had her own antidotes for any aches and pains
From bellyache to dock leaves to wrap around a sprain,
There was no N.H.S.in my day but we had our ailments too
She had loads of remedies and these are just a few.
There was Zambuk and Wintergreen and the dreaded castor oil
And a Kaolin poultice slapped on a troublesome boil,
Liquid paraffin to keep your bowels in very fine fettle
Plus: for bronchitis and pneumonia a permanent steam kettle.
Feverfew for headaches and a vinegar headband too,
Friars balsam and pure lemon for coughs, colds and flu.
Indian Brandee for colic and for the female regular pains,
And Nurse Christian ointment for the dreaded chilblains.
Bread poultices were used to bring carbuncles to a head
And a magnet was supposed to help cramp when put into your bed,
A 24 carat wedding ring was rubbed over a painful stye
Not forgetting the cold tea to bathe a badly swollen eye.
A small warm onion placed inside a very painful ear,
Oil of cloves on a raging tooth that had brought many a tear.
People have said that these old cures have helped get rid of pain
Maybe it was psychological and they helped to numb the brain,
But many of the folk who have had these aids are still alive today
And what magic formula the remedies held I really could not say.
A certain dentist was being discussed and his expensive fee
It brought to mind this incident of what once happened to me.
It reminded me of when I lived in London many years ago
I turned up for work one day with toothache feeling very low.
My colleague named Eva looked at me and saw my swollen cheek
"It's the dentist for you," she said not giving me chance to speak.
"There is a dentist on the Old Kent Road" my foreman firmly stated
My protests were ignored and it looked as though I was sorely fated.
As I was led into the surgery like a lamb to the sacrificial altar
A six foot six giant loomed over me ready for the slaughter,
He had arms like tree trunks and each hand as big as a spade
All my hopes of getting out alive were fast beginning to fade.
"Open your mouth nice and wide and look at the tropical fish."
This statement to me at that time sounded more like a death wish,
A black and white fish caught my eye as it darted round the tank
And suddenly the pain had gone my mind was a complete blank.
"There you are, rinse your mouth and get down off the bed"
I looked at him in wonderment while trying to clear my head,
"Is it out?" I asked, in awe "because if it is I never felt a thing."
I was feeling on top of the world and to me he was a king.
God knows what he had used to get rid of the flipping pain
But I knew where I would go if it ever happened again.
I paid the fee of half a crown or twelve and a halfpence today
And quickly made my exit to enjoy the rest of the day.
Now I am fifty years older I don't go to the dentist any more
I can put my choppers in a bag and post them through his door.