The Marital Bed

For Gawds sake move over and let me get in
Its not very warm and my nightie’s quite thin
Panting and pushing to get him over the line
I only want half the bed the part I call mine.

I’m just dozing off to sleep when my calves go in a clamp
I jump out very quickly because I have the ruddy cramp
I can hear my other half snoring well in the ‘land of nod’
While I’m limping up and down thinking ‘you are a lucky sod’.

The cramp is slowly subsiding so I try my luck once again
More pushing shoving and heaving he really is a pain.
I close my eyes and let my mind drift like a rowing boat
When suddenly I’m choking with an elbow in my throat.

After being rudely awakened I settle down once more
Oh strewth! its started up again that never ending snore.
I bury my head in the pillow with the cover over my head
I’ve had this nightly torture since the first day that we wed.

I give him a dig to make him stop and turn the other way
Oh blow me down! here we go! he’s taken the whole duvet.
I pull it back with very much force, I have to be quite tough
So he turns over with it and puts his knees right up my duff.

I settle down once more to sleep the rest of the night through
When suddenly the bedclothes go back he has to visit the loo.
I turn to look at the clock, the hands say half past three
“Oh Lord!” I pray “let me get some rest, please be good to me”.
My other half gets back into bed shaking me back to life
I think I deserve a medal for being an understanding wife.
I hear the clock chime four o’clock I guess God never heard
I may as well get out of bed and do yesterdays crossword

Copyright © - Maisie Walker 2001 - All rights reserved


A typical conversation between myself and my spouse
Is one that I imagine goes on in another persons house
“Have you seen my glasses?” my husband said to me
“I have got to put a screw in, without them I cannot see.”

So we wander round from room to room without much hope until
I spot them in the bathroom perched on the windowsill
“What did I do with my screwdriver, I put it down somewhere”
We start another wander round and spot it on a chair.

Before I was interrupted there was something I was going to do
Oh yes! Now I remember I was about to clean the loo.
“You cannot go in there just yet I want to fix the blind”
This was my husband talking, practically up my behind.

So I decided to peel the potatoes ready for our dinner
I really thought that this time I was on a winner.
“Can you come and hold this for me, while I push this in the slot?”
My mind boggled at this prospect when in the bathroom I did trot

It was his hammer I had to hold Thank God! As he finished his chore
But I spotted a spider in the bath and made headway for the door.
My other half started to tidy up and was putting away his kit
Saying at the same time “It is a good job I am still well and fit.”

I had just managed to finish the loo when I heard my husband complain
“Have you seen my glasses?” he yelled, Oh Gawd! Here we go again.
Our natures are very different I am the one with the shortest fuse
But after fifty seven years of marriage we fit like a pair of old shoes.

Copyright © - Maisie Walker 2000 - All rights reserved


What is it about the night that brings any fears to a head?
When my brain goes into overdrive and I toss and turn in bed.
Worrying about what might happen or what the future brings
Thoughts are darting back and forth, thinking of various things.

Lying there for hours with no hopes of falling asleep,
After trying to focus my mind on countless imaginary sheep
An owl hoots in the distance and a tomcat lets out a yowl
Now they’ve disturbed the blooming dog and he’s begun to howl

Why! When my brain is so active have my legs gone off to sleep?
I get out of bed to massage them and round the curtain I peep.
While I am walking up and down to bring life back in my pins
A clatter breaks the silence; the wind has blown over the bins.

Now it is the witching hour when we are at our lowest ebb,
I am starting to get weary my thoughts are a tangled web.
I climb back into bed in hopes of sleeping the rest of the night,
I’m dozing off when the milkman comes its started to get light.

Its time for me to get up now a new day has started to dawn
This is the time that I feel shattered and all I do is yawn!!!!!

Copyright © - Maisie Walker 2000 - All rights reserved