Would you like to read my tale from many years ago
A funny little story that you might like to know.
I have always worn glasses and one day I did espy
That one of my lens was loose, it was the right eye.
I was due to meet my hubby as to the flicks we'd go
So in our seats we settled to watch a great film show.
Suddenly I sneezed and out shot the lens sky high
I jumped up quickly, crying, "Oh Gawd! I've lost me eye"
Everyone around started looking with bums up in the air
The usherette came along saying,"What's going on there?"
There were hisses and boo's and I felt such a proper twit
" Why can't you sit down, and let's see the end of it?"
A little lad found a marble, "Is this it?" he shouted
"No!"I said,"It is a glass lens that I have just outed."
Unfortunately I had to screw my eyes up very tight
To try and focus on the film to get it in my sight.
When the interval came my hubby shot off to the loo
When he came back he said " I've got something for you"
There in his hand was my lens, which he handed to me
The lens had lodged into his trouser turn ups you see.
I came out of that cinema and to the opticians I went
With my pride having suffered such a ruddy great dent.
I look back over life and see the comical times I've had
Although times were tough, they were not all that bad.
I was doing my weekly shop at our local superstore
This is one job that I really hate and I find it quite a bore.
Puzzling my brain thinking about what I had not got
Didn't want to buy stuff that would soon begin to rot.
It was when I got to the greengrocery that I suddenly espied
Lettuce and mushrooms in my trolley "There not mine" I cried.
I looked round furtively to see if there were gremlins about
And when I looked in my trolley again, there without a doubt
Was a bag of tomatoes, but from where I do not know
I began to doubt my sanity and whether it did show.
I put the goods back on the shelf and turned around to see
A ruddy great plant on my bread like a tropical palm tree.
Oh God! where has that come from I did not put it there
I wildly put the plant down as I gave a panicky glare.
I wanted to get through the check out and get out very quick
And as I put my goods on the belt I began to feel quite thick
Because I picked up a bunch of bananas that I'd never seen before
I thought I had better pay for them, but it was becoming a bore
I paid for my goods and thankfully pushed my trolley away
But as I passed an elderly couple I heard the man loudly say
" How many times do I have to say I put the blasted goods in,
There's not a chance of you believing me, I just cannot win."
She looked at him and said "Well where are they all you twit"
I could have told her where they were but I kept out of it.
The chap got on his knees to look beneath the trolley where
He thought that any goods had finished up underneath there
I got past as soon I could I started to giggle you see
At this ludicrous situation that had just happened to me.
Just a few weeks ago I went shopping in the next town
When I started out with a smile it soon turned to a frown.
First I went to the library to get some more reading matter
Then saw someone I knew and we had a good old natter.
Browsed around the market, then to a well known store
I got what I wanted and paid, but as I went through the door
The alarm started ringing, Oh boy did I feel a daft twit
My God what had I done wrong and had I triggered it?
I tried once more to go out the door and off it went again
I felt very angry by this time this was becoming a pain.
I marched to the counter and threw my bag down hard
"Take a look in my bag" I said, my temper sorely jarred.
"Just see if I have pinched anything and if I have not paid,
I have had enough of this my temper is somewhat frayed."
The assistant looked in my bag and there he did espy
"The library books are the culprits!" the assistant did cry.
I could not believe what I was hearing as I stood really mad
To think that both systems were the same this was surely bad.
They apologised in the store for causing me much stress
I said I would write to head office to tell of this stupid mess.
I did and had a nice letter saying sorry for the whole affair
Inside was twenty pound voucher to show that they did care.
So now when I go to the library I make sure it is my last call
I don't want that to happen again it would drive me up the wall.